Joke#12

Why did the chicken cross the road?:
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?
IMMANUEL KANT: The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history.
THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don’t know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.

Joke Quiz

QUALIFYING EXAMINATION

Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.

HISTORY: Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially but not exclusively on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.

MEDICINE: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

PUBLIC SPEAKING: 2,500 riot-crazed aborigines have stormed the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

BIOLOGY: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

MUSIC: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

PHYCHOLOGY: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, Gregory of Nicea, and Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man’s work, making appropriate references; it is not necessary to translate.

SOCIOLOGY: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

MANAGEMENT SCIENCE: Define Management. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Assume an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm. Design the communications interface and all necessary control programs.

ENGINEERING: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

ECONOMICS: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, and the wave theory of light. Outline a method of preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

POLITICAL SCIENCE: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on the socio-political effects, if any.

EPISTEMOLOGY: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.

PHYSICS: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

PHILOSOPHY: Sketch the developments of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

EXTRA CREDIT: Define the universe. Give three examples.

Joke#11

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: To prove he wasn't chicken.

Joke#10

Q: Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?
A: Because it's two tired.

Joke#9

There's this guy walking down the street with two penguins on his shoulder. A policeman comes up to him and tells him, "Hey, you can't have those two penguins on your shoulder, take them to the zoo."
"Alright." the guy agrees.
The next day, the policeman sees the same guy walking down the street, with the same two penguins on his shoulder. "Hey, I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"
"I did. They loved it so much, tonght I'm taking them to the cinema."

Joke#8

Anti Jokes
Q: What is the difference between a duck?
A: One of its legs are both the same.

Q: What's the difference between an apple?
A: The more you polish, it gets.

Q:What do you get when you cross a muffin with chocolate chips?
A:A chocolate chip muffin.

Joke#8

There are 10 types of people in this world: Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who only think they do.

Joke#7

"Elvis is dead," said Tom expressly.
"I'll never sleep on the railroad tracks again!" Tom said, beside himself.
"I came, I saw," Tom concurred.
"I just love my job at the nuclear plant," Tom said glowingly.

Joke#6

Some Tom Swifties:

"Let's look for another Grail!" Tom requested.
"I unclogged the drain with a vacuum cleaner," Tom said succinctly.
"I manufacture tabletops" said Tom, counterproductively.
"I used to be a pilot," Tom explained.
"I dropped the toothpaste," said Tom, crestfallen.

Joke#5

Q: what do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A: something that talks your head off.

Joke#4

Q: What do you call the skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide-and-seek champion

Joke#3

What do you get when you throw a grenade in a french kitchen?
Linoleum Blownaparte

Joke#2

So, there's this string, and he walks into a bar. The barman, however, tells him, "Hey, we don't serve your kind here," and throws him out on the street. The string goes back into the bar, and immediately gets thrown out again. The string, being an emotional string, sits on the curb for a few moments and cries. Then he has an idea. He ties himself into a bow and unravels his ends. He marches back into the bar. The barman looks at him very closely and inquires, "Are you the string?" "No, I'm a frayed knot"

Joke#1

New Feature: Occasional jokes. Today's is: Life is like a sewer. what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. -Tom Leher